Sure, Kiss Me With Your Steak Breath

People ask me all the time, โ€œWould you date someone who eats meat?โ€ Although I wish I had a vast multitude of animal-loving suitors lined up outside my front door, carrying bouquets of kaleย and whispering sweet nothings into my ear about tofu and animal sanctuaries, this is simply not reality.

wannadate

I guess the more basic criteria should be that he:

  1. isnโ€™t an asshole (although if you ask Jess, eating meat makes you an asshole)
  2. has decent hygiene
  3. can tell the difference between โ€œyourโ€ and โ€œyouโ€™reโ€
  4. isnโ€™t creepy
  5. can have a conversation with me without checking out other girls

You would think that these things are very basic, but sad to say, theyโ€™re very hard to come by. Iโ€™ve lived on 3 different continents so far, and have only many horrible dating stories to share.

The struggle is real.

veggieman

My ideal man.

Let me tell you about the time I took an active interest in dating someone who doesnโ€™t eat meat.

I found a guy on a popular dating app here in Hong Kong, whose only interesting profile detail was that he was vegetarian. YES! I thought. Weโ€™ll have so much in common! How deceived I was.

This guy:

1) drank 10 eggs every morning to โ€œbuild muscleโ€

2) shaved his chest, which meant cuddling was like rubbing a porcupine against my face repeatedly

3) said he wasnโ€™t โ€œmuch of an eaterโ€ (note: something I have NEVER said in my entire life, and never will)

4) had horrible breath

5) was a Trump supporter

6) ironically (see #5), was Indian, and the only reason he was vegetarian was because his family was, and had no concept or concern about animals

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The dementor’s kiss.

After our second date, he followed me home after I said goodbye to him at the subway
station, and I awkwardly showed him my apartment’s clubhouse because I assumed he “wanted to see the pool before going home.” ย Our conversations revolved around how he built his muscles and the weather. When we kissed, it was like having a dementor from Harry Potter trying to suck my soul out from my face. Luckily, our interaction didnโ€™t last very long.

The point is, there are creepy, strange, un-groomed men that exist everywhere, regardless of whether they eat animals or not.

The thing is, being vegan, for most people, is a lifestyle choice. It certainly is for me. It dictates the clothing I buy, my political views, the businesses I support, and the people I associate myself with. Just like I couldnโ€™t be with someone who discriminates against minorities, is homophobic, or has a man bun, I find it difficult to imagine being with someone who supports the killing of animals.

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Because what is better than an avocado wearing a pride flag? Nothing.

Only this past weekend did I go on a date with a man who had been vegan for 10 years, someone a friend had got me in touch with. Unfortunately, he was at least 35 years older than me (but was great to talk to, even if all the events discussed occurred before I was born). But, as you can see โ€“ prospects are dismal.

Before 99% of you state what you think is the obvious (i.e. Kayla, the reason youโ€™re single is because youโ€™re picky as f*ck and have a tendency to ramble on about things people donโ€™t really care about!), let me clear up a few things.

Would I love to date a vegan long-term? Absolutely. Do I realize that itโ€™s extremely difficult to find a half-decent guy who takes showers and is literate in my current dating situation? Unfortunately, yes. So, I guess Iโ€™d settle for someone who is at least open to, and supportive of, my lifestyle.

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Jess โ€“ someone who has been banned from Tinder multiple times for sending tons of vegan spam to people — has found a way back, and showed me the vegan options available:

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The only 2 vegan guys on Tinder, who just happen to both be named Antonio…

Letโ€™s just hope that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Oh, but wait โ€“ scientists estimate that our oceans will be fishless by 2048 (watch Seaspiracy). In that case, stop eating fish and say some prayers for me.

sharklove

The only true love is shark love, anyway.

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